So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
