Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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