gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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