I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
