Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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