Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
sex in a hospital.. check
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
