I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
