Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
