He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
