Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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