There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
