she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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