Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Houston, we have a blender
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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