What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
