I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
