just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
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