Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
