I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
