apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
