I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
She needs sedatives and a leash
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Randomize
