whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Randomize