A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
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