The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
