Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you traded sex for a burrito?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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