I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She announced her abortion via fbk
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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