Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
