hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
