my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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