remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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