Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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