I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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