I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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