he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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