Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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