wanna go halves on a baby?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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