its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
