I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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