I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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