so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
