I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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