While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
