Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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