Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
