I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
So many bounce houses so little time
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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