Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize