i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
