My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Randomize
