I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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