Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
