When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
