Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
