so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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