Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
