kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
