my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Randomize
