i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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