We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Randomize
