After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
