i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
