sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
