I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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