Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
