Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
