I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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