i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
