I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
