dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
