During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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