My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize