you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
