i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
